Drivers Wanted

In general, I doubt I spend more time on the road than most Americans. However, over the course of my relatively few years of driving, there have been few times in my life when I haven't been in a hurry to go somewhere. To that end, I've developed some rules of thumb in order to predict the behavior of drivers in front of me. Bear in mind these are just generalizations. They are in no way scientific, but they seem to work okay for me. They are...

Rules of Thumb about Traffic

In general:

1. The newer the car the faster the driver.
   
2. The number of bumper stickers on the car has an inverse relationship to how fast it will be driven. In other words, cars with a lot of bumper stickers tend to drive slower.
   
3. General Motors cars manufactured in the 80's seem to have slower drivers.
   
4. Those driving 80's era Buicks are the slowest of the slow drivers.
   
5. Those driving new Buicks are the slowest of the fast drivers.
   
6. Those who drive cars that appear to have been in various minor accidents are faster, more reckless drivers, regardless of the age of the car.
   
7. The shorter the driver, the slower the car will be driven.
   
8. The older the driver, the slower the car will be driven.
   
9. Older minivans have slower drivers.
   
10. Newer minivans are generally driven at or close to the speed limit.
    
11. Drivers of newer SUV's generally drive faster.
    
12. Cars with Wisconsin license plates will be driven slower.
    
13. Cars with Iowa license plates will be driven slower, but not as slow as those with Wisconsin plates.
    
14. The presence of a fish symbol on the back of the car seems to have no bearing on the speed of the driver.
    
15. The louder the car engine the faster it will be driven.
    
16. The louder the stereo inside the car, the faster it will be driven.
    
17. A car with a statue of the Virgin Mary on the dashboard will tend to be driven slower.
    
18. A car with stuffed animals in the back window will be driven slowly.
    
19. A car with a weiner dog inside will be driven slower. Reduce even more speed for each additional weiner dog.
    
20. A pickup truck with an unleashed dog in the back, especially if it's a larger breed will drive faster regardless of the age of the pickup truck.
    
21. Cars that have been purchased in the Chicago suburbs will be driven faster and more aggressively, especially if they are foreign made.
    
22. Station wagons are slower than sedans.
    
23. If a car has one of those three letter country stickers on the back, ie, EUR, it will tend to be driven faster. (unless there are lots more bumper stickers besides that one.)
    
24. German made cars are driven faster than American made cars, but not faster than newer American made SUV's.
    
25. If the driver is wearing sunglasses they will tend to drive faster than a driver not wearing sunglasses unless the sunglasses are those wrap around kind they give to people with cataracts.
    
26. Drivers with graduate degrees who are under the age of 45 will drive faster.
    
27. Drivers with a high school education or less will drive faster unless they are over the age of 45.

    To summarize then, the fastest drivers are those with new German made cars or with new SUV's purchased in the Chicago suburbs, who wear sunglasses, are under 45 years old, with a loud stereo and Illinois license plates.
    The slowest drivers are those who are over 45 years old, not wearing sunglasses, driving older Buicks, loaded with tons of bumper stickers and have Wisconsin license plates.

    Do you have any rules of thumb about traffic?

    Posted by jdmays at March 30, 2004 09:49 PM | TrackBack